What do I get in return?
Sometimes when I let a car in front of me and they don't roll down their window to wave, I audibly tell them what I think about their lack of gratitude from my car.
Same goes for holding the door for people who pass through without so much as a smile and a nod. Often I'll say "You're welcome" to the back of their head to make sure they know I did something kind.
And then there's the nastier, deeper sense of entitlement and expectation. Like when I sacrifice my time to be somewhere for someone and they don't go out of their way to thank me at least three times.
Or when I show up for my girlfriend in ways I think she'd want me to show up, and get frustrated when she's not - just-discovered-an-oasis-in-the-desert - grateful for my contribution. My contribution she never really asked for.
Meeting my need for recognition is a lot of pressure to put on the world. It’s kind of like living a well-intentioned life, but do so while holding the billy club of expectation behind my back.
Not only is this pressure unrealistic and unfair to the receiver of our expectations, but if our actions are predicated upon receiving something in return for doing what a kind and grown up person would do, we'll constantly be disappointed.
As I explore this further, it becomes clear this existential struggle with expectations is not about receiving gratitude from others at all. It's actually about our deep need to receive a reminder from the universe that we're OK. We want to know out of the myriad of decisions and choices we make throughout the day, that some of them were good.
We want to believe we have compassionate hearts and honest motives - and it's nice to have those messages reinforced by others occasionally.
And there's nothing wrong with that. Interdependence is a beautiful thing. The unexpected gift of gratitude and appreciation from another can lift our spirits.
Notice the word unexpected.
We know what this is really about, don't we?
It always comes back to identity.
Where will we choose to find our identity? Do we really think we'll find what we're looking for as we hold others to unreasonable expectations or create unspoken rules everyone must follow to satisfy our need for validation?
Not only is this unkind to those with whom we interact, but it's a bad business model for getting what we really want.
When we find our identity in the way others treat us we're destined to be disappointed. When we find our identity in whether or not our efforts yield the results we desired, we're bound for a future of frustration.
It is incumbent upon us, then, to find a home within ourselves where our actions flow out of a deep clarity and appreciation of who we are - without the need to draw affirmation from others or exert control over our environments.
As I finish writing that last sentence I can hear the petulant child inside me exclaiming, "But what do I get in return for doing good, living intentionally, practicing discipline and being generous?"
The measured but firm answer from the wiser part of me (which we all have within) is this:
Freedom from the need to scavenge for validation
Freedom from fear you aren't living or working in the right way
Peace in who you are and confidence in what you do
The opportunity to be genuinely generous - without expectation
A deep trust in your own value no one can take away
An independence from external events and their power over you
A chance to be in on the big cosmic joke that most of this doesn't matter
And when we realize most of this business we trouble ourselves with doesn't matter, we're at peace when we don't get anything in return for living our lives well.
Ready for the best part?
When we're at peace, we get everything.
