The Art of Asking For What You Need
We have peace lilies in the corner of our breakfast nook. They are my favorite plant in the house, blooming with white flowers every week.
What I've come to admire about this plant is its ability to communicate; it slumps every seven days to let us know it needs to be watered.
I'm amazed each week. The plant doesn't complain, it doesn't blame us or the world for failing to water it sooner - it just tells us what it needs with clarity.
Each week when watering our plant I feel slightly indicted as I reflect on the moments I might snap at my girlfriend, submit a deliverable late, or overload my day because I refuse to ask for what I need from others with the same clarity as a peace lilies.
When working with leaders and teams, one of the common challenges across the board is the simple task of asking for assistance from one another, vendors, adjacent departments, managers, you-name-it.
I get it - I hate asking for help, but for us to have healthy relationships, run more effective teams, and be as productive as possible considering many of us are working virtually, we need to get this asking-for-what-we-need thing figured out.
If we choose to give this a concerted effort, here are some of the positive results we can enjoy when we ask for help, both individually in our relationships, and collectively by creating cultures where it's safe and encouraged to state our needs:
Resentments Decrease
Because we're in our head all the time and we know what our needs are, we often make the mistake of believing others actually know our unstated needs, but are choosing not to meet them - which causes us to resent one another for no reason. If we're proactive about asking for what we need and urging others to do the same, we no longer have made-up stories in our heads about our team purposely withholding assistance, thus allowing us to move on with our lives.
We Commit to a Direction
One of the main virtues absent in adults right now is not the ability to adapt to changing circumstances, but the ability to commit to a path and make progress through decisive action. In a world where most of us scroll through the Netflix menu for 40 minutes before picking something because we want to "weigh our options," we need practice committing and getting on with the business. Understanding our needs and communicating them to others pushes us to commit to a direction.
Relationships Deepen
You may have heard of the Benjamin Franklin effect: When we ask others to help us - particularly those with whom we have differences - they are more likely to help us again, because their brain can't understand why they would help someone they don't like. To create healthier teams, we must ask one another for assistance. It bonds us together.
Psychological Safety is Easier to Measure
Psychological Safety is the greatest indicator of an effective team. Teams with high Psychological Safety can admit mistakes, challenge authority, offer divergent thoughts, take risks, and openly disagree without being shamed out of the tribe. One indicator of a safe team is the openness people feel to share their needs and the trust they have their needs will be met by coworkers.
Everyone Becomes More Self-Aware
Rarely do we do the work of considering what we want with clarity. When our needs aren't met, many of us assume it's because there's something wrong with us - which is why we're not getting what we need, because everyone is in on the joke that we're defective. This is not a healthy mindset of a self-aware individual. Understanding our needs and learning to ask for help deepens our understanding of ourselves internally so we can take ownership of our environment externally. Instead of crying like a newborn and forcing everyone else to assess whether we're hungry, tired, scared or have poopy pants, we can grow up and make clear requests of others, enabling them to equip us with what we need to get the job done.
This is the point where someone thinks they are an exception because their spouse hates them, their team is super mean, their family doesn’t care about them, their manager is out to get them, or whatever. They will lament: "But people always react negatively when I ask for what I need - so I just don't ask for help anymore because when I do, I feel embarrassed and needy on top of not getting my needs met."
I have great empathy for anyone who is actually being ridiculed, ostracized or reprimanded for plainly stating what they need to do their work or navigate their life with greater effectiveness or peace. If that is the case, I hope you're able to find a way to leave that organization or de-prioritize that relationship soon. They sound like a bunch of jerks.
But I'll tell you what - when someone shares their frustrations with me about not getting their needs met and I ask them if they've had a hard conversation with whoever it is not meeting their needs...the answer is almost always no. 80% of the time the answer is no.
We must remember others don't wake up in the morning thinking about how they can fill our needs, affirm our existence, and help us navigate through life with ease. My first piece of advice for anyone who feels their requests are being ignored is always to sit down and have the hard conversation.
Almost everything can be solved with a simple come-to-Jesus meeting.
Here's a brief roadmap for such a meeting:
Ask for a private conversation with whomever it is we need to assist us in getting our needs met
Thank them for the time and be direct about what the conversation will cover - no surprises where we ask them to coffee just to "catch up" and then spring something on them
State what it is we believe the other party wants - the things they need to survive and thrive in work or in life
Share how there are a few things we need from them so we can support them in getting the things they want in work or in life
Ask them what it would take for them to support our needs or how the two of us might move forward in a way which allows both parties get what they desire (use 'what' and 'how' questions - never 'why' - if we ask someone why they aren't meeting our needs they get defensive; what and how questions keep things objective)
Review how things are going to look moving forward, ensuring both parties are aligned, and thank them for their time and end the meeting early (always end meetings early if you can)
Again, most people are too afraid to have this conversation and, as a result, will continue to not get what they need in this job or the next, in that relationship or the next - because no one around them will have the slightest clue.
I can hear the voices now..."But what if I've tried that and I'm still not getting what I need?"
First off - I'm sorry, because I've been where you are and it's demoralizing to ask for what you need and be rejected. It feels like you have absolutely no value. A few thoughts:
If dealing with someone of positional authority I encourage you to remind yourself, just because they have a higher rank does not mean they are leading themselves to grow internally. Unfortunately this is reality. Mean, stupid people get promoted.
Realize you might not get what you need until you build up enough goodwill with whoever it is you're dealing with. Zig Ziglar's wisdom still rings true: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.”
Remember the point is making your needs clear, not believing they must be met for you to feel whole or complete. An important first step is asking for what we need, but we must also be prepared not to get our needs met and learn how to soothe ourselves and move on to the next best approach.
Whether applying this to our personal lives or in our professional world, the key takeaway here is this: No one knows what we need until we tell them.
We must be our own greatest advocates, because when we can play that role we understand how to advocate for those around us - which helps us build relationships and communities designed to take care of one another.
